You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
