My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
