when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
