another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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