does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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