am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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