i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
