Sponge bath it is.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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