He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
