a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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