im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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