i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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