I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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