you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
