enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
