community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
