I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
