I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
