Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
