u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I've blown a few things in my day
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
