The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
