This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
