I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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