My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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