im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
