I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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