I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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