Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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