Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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