Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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