maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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