no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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