she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
