Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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