My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
