so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
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Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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