Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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