This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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