the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
