I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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