Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
