I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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