you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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