My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
