I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the condom got lost in my hair
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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