I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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