I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
