I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
