I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
