What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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