During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
