drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
