My sheets look like a crime scene.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
