i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
