Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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