The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
