Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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