Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
